The Mary Sue Alphabet
by Jackie Coffey
Summary: A is for Angela, who ran away from home...


The Yu-Gi-Oh Mary Sue Alphabet was inspired by the brilliant Harry Potter fanfiction "A Mary Sue Alphabet". I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh, and I am _not_ trying to insult anyone with this fanfiction. Any resemblance to any fanfictions or characters was NOT deliberate, and I apologize if you feel insulted. (Actually, I kind of insulted myself on the Q one.) And the thing about romance fanfictions was _not_ meant to be insulting. I was just making fun of crack pairings and the fact that Joey and Kaiba don't get along in the show, but are always paired together in fanfiction. I am _incredibly_ sorry if I offended anyone. (I know that there are some really good romance fics out there, but it's so easy to make fun of pairings that I couldn't resist.)

* * *

**The Yu-Gi-Oh Mary Sue Alphabet**:

***

**A** is for **Angela**,

Who's run away from home.

She took no possessions

But a magical tome

Which holds all the answers

To all of the plot.

Her parents should want it back,

But apparently not.

And Angela's not on a Missing Persons list

Because social workers don't seem to exist.

***

**B**'s for** Brianna**,

Kaiba's long lost sister.

He's never mentioned her before,

But supposedly missed her.

And now that she's back

With no explanation,

Brianna's the one

Who runs his corporation.

She's the new king of games,

Even though she's a girl,

And all the reviewers,

Are going to hurl.

***

**C** is for **Casey**,

Who's perfect and pretty,

And it's now _her_ job

To win Battle City.

Her deck of cards

Which don't really exist

Is completely unbeatable,

And Marik is pissed.

Her story's amazing,

With one minor flaw:

The Pharaoh does nothing

But stand there in awe.

***

**D** is for **Diana**

A goddess from Rome,

Who's taken the characters

To her Olympian home.

Where adventure is found

As they all save the day,

And though they're all demigods

It's not child's play.

There's action and romance

In this great fanfiction.

But weren't half the characters

Originally Egyptian?

***

**E**'s for **Elaina**

A princess through and through,

Yet somehow the author

Swears she isn't a Sue.

The author likes Joey,

Elaina's in love.

But Elaina has a duty

to her country to think of.

Elaina and Joey

Still secretly date,

Cause the author insists

Joey is her soul mate.

Elaina dies to save Joey,

She dies in his arms,

And the readers all cheer

Till she wakes up unharmed.

***

**F** is for **Faye**,

A magical girl

With sapphire eyes

And long golden curls.

Faye and her Pokémon

Always save the day,

With her shapeshifting powers

Which she always displays.

She's a black belt in karate,

And a gymnastics star,

she's a vampire slayer,

and she plays the guitar.

And even though Faye has

too many powers to recall,

It's a Yu-Gi-Oh fanfic

With no dueling at all.

***

**G** is for **Glory**

Of Buffyverse fame.

But somehow I doubt

That she changed her full name

To Gloria Ishtar

And how did she get

To the Yu-Gi-Oh world?

Did the author forget?

And now she's a good guy,

Though she was the Big Bad.

And why is she suddenly

Angsty and sad?

Is it still the same person,

Does anyone care?

A fanfic _this_ bad

Is egregiously rare.

***

**H** is for **Heather**,

Who isn't a Sue.

She has character flaws,

And she loses duels too.

Yet somehow the characters

Don't seem to care

That she's selfish and petty

And constantly swears.

And she isn't unbeatable,

She loses a lot.

She just never loses

When it relates to the plot.

She's annoying and mean

But no one can tell

Because past the first paragraph

Is a grammar Hell.

***

**I** is for **Ida**,

She _isn't _a Sue.

Because Sues have some good traits

And something to do.

But Ida's young author was far too afraid

If Ida was perfect

That she would get flamed.

We don't know what she looks like

Or even her age

There's no good things or bad things

Described on the page.

Yet all the reviewers find Ida annoying

Cause all the boys are in love

With a person so boring.

***

**J** is for **Julie**

Who's cheerful and glad

Despite having a past that's

So tragic and bad.

Her parents abused her,

Till she ran away,

And she lived in poverty

Until one day

When she ran into Kaiba.

And she learned to duel

Move over Yugi,

Julie totally rules!

Now she's saving the day

And spreading the laughter.

But the canon cast hasn't been seen

Ever since the first chapter.

***

**K** is for **Kitsune**,

The magical fox.

But this kitsune's a character.

She totally rocks!

But she's changing the outcome

Of canon events

Just so that she

Can be with her Prince

Charming, which is what

She's nicknamed Marik, who really should be

Really annoyed, but he's OOC.

***

**L** is for **Lilly**,

(that's the author's name too),

And the author can't see

She's becoming a Sue.

It _was_ a self-insert

And reasonably good,

Then Lilly started flying

(she didn't know that she could.)

Now she gets new powers

Every hour or two.

It's no wonder that nobody bothers to review.

***

**M** is for **Macie**,

Who's only job

Is to fix the things

The author thought were wrong.

Now _Joey_ beat Marik?

Kaiba's king of games?

And the author rarely even thinks to explain

All of the twisted logic

For why these things work.

And no one knows why

Yugi's suddenly a jerk.

***

**N** is for **Natalie**,

And down to the last letter

She's just like the author

Only twenty times better.

She sings like an angel,

And has a pet tiger.

The author says it's a self insert.

The author's a liar.

And the only plot relevant thing

That Natalie can do

Is get rescued by the Pharaoh

And have sex with him too.

***

**O** is for **Opal**

Master of disguises.

Her job is to kill characters

The author despises.

She's already killed Tristan

While disguised as a clerk.

(The author thinks Tristan

Is really a jerk.)

She's also killed Kaiba,

But nobody minds.

Everyone else loves her,

Even when she reminds

Them that she's an assassin,

But they just can't see

Any reason to hate her

Because they're OOC.

***

**P** is for **Paige**,

Who's not really a Sue.

She has good points and bad points,

And weaknesses too.

But nobody's entirely sure who she's fighting:

Marik's kid or Bakura's.

(There's some really bad writing.)

And who is her mother?

Does she have a father?

And where in the heck

Is her ten year old brother?

He was seen in the first chapter

To be out for a stroll.

Maybe he fell into another plot hole.

***

**Q** is for **Quincy**

Queen of snarky remarks.

She's a competent duelist,

But afraid of the dark.

She isn't too Sue-some

And the plot is quite clever,

She's found the bad guy's weakness

But it seems that she'll never

Be able to put all that research to use

Because the author has taken

some time off to muse.

Will Quincy and Yugi

Ever rescue their friends?  
Not until the author's

Year-long vacation ends.

***

**R** is for **Rachel**,

Who's story was great

Till the author decided

It was second-rate.

She's started to change it

Now Rachel and Yugi

Are too busy cutting

To think about dueling

There _were_ three villains

But now there are four.

Cause Joey can't stand

To be good anymore.

If only the author

Had trusted herself,

Kaiba might not have

Found out he's half elf.

***

**S** for **Serenity**,

A brand-new OC

She's painfully Sue-ish

As readers can see.

Her Millennium Headband

Is the source of her powers,

And with or without it,

She can kick butt for hours.

Her pink hair is as natural

As her bright golden eyes

Which turn blue when there's danger

And glow when she flies.

If she leaves for two minutes

She's mourned and missed,

While Serenity Wheeler

Doesn't seem to exist.

***

**T** starts the name

Of an author named **Tara**

Who's romance fics

are typical of the era.

Cause Tara insists

That Joey and Kaiba are off having sex

While Mai and Mahad date,

Though they've never met.

And even though none of this makes any sense

It's really not much worse than most romance fics.

***

**U** is for **Unity**

And we're really can't tell

If she's just a parody

Or the Sue from Hell.

All the guys are in love.

All the girls want her dead.

The readers agree,

As the only review said.

She's reformed all the villains.

There's really no plot.

Her parents are billionaires

And she has her own yacht.

She hates her good looks,

Cause she thinks they're a curse,

And that's just the beginning.

The story gets worse.

***

**V** is for **Valerie**.

She's a Villain Sue.

She's clever and evil

And kicks puppies too.

And she rules the world,

The heroes are her slaves.

And they don't fight back

Cause they're just too afraid.

Now all the show's villains

Are banding together

They have to beat Valerie

In order to ever

Achieve their own villainous plans.

Oh, never mind!

They've already lost.

Valerie is clearly

too powerful to be crossed.

And now that Valerie has easily won,

What's left to write about?

The plot is done.

***

**W** is for **Will**,

Who I'm sure you agree

Is a great action girl,

This brand-new OC.

She duels really well

As long as no plot

Demands she be helpless,

Which _of course_ she is not.

And she's every bit as heroic

As the villain is cruel.

But has this action girl

Ever won any duel?

***

**X** is for **Xanthe**,

Which the author explains

Is actually a real

And quite normal name.

What do you mean she's a Sue?

Of course she's not!

So what if she has a dragon?

It's part of the plot!

And so what if Xanthe

Always seems to win?

It's only because

She's Yugi's long lost twin!

And having six names

Doesn't make her a Sue!

I bet you just wish

You could write this well too!

***

**Y** is for **Yasmin**,

A vampire ghost

Who can talk to animals,

But she'd never boast.

She just wants to be normal.

Is that really so bad.

It's this not-being-human

That makes her so sad.

I'm sure you can sympathize,

It's a common woe

To be uber-powerful

As I'm sure you know.

Since she isn't human,

She just can't connect.

(Though you'd think by now she would have

With all the times she's had sex.)

***

**Z** is for **Zanna**,

Incorruptibly pure.

And all of the villains

Want to turn this poor

Defenseless Sue into one of them

They offer fame

And power galore,

But Zanna doesn't realize,

Cause she's just that pure.

This goes on for ten chapters,

It's making me sick.

Why the heck am I reading

This stupid fanfic?


End file.
